Christmas 2012

I absolutely adore Christmas time.  I adore it so much, in fact, that my Christmas season begins on November 1^st every year.  I love the music, the baking, buying presents, watching Christmas movies, and just the overall feel of the Christmasified world.

This year, I have had difficulty getting in the Christmas spirit.  I will admit, there are only four days until Christmas and I am not quite there yet.  Sure, I have instances of Christmas bliss, but something always happens to pull me back to my reality. 

My reality is that there are presents for a little girl missing from underneath the tree.  My house is minus one tiny stocking.  My loved ones are suffering from aching hearts that only time may heal.  My reality is that every time I hear a song mentioning the Christ-child being cradled in loving arms, I am reminded of the sweet little niece I held closely for a few precious moments.

She is never far from my thoughts, and it is remarkable what little things can remind me of her.

Remembering her is not the hard part; on the contrary, I remember her sweet little face fondly and find myself smiling whenever I see her pictures.  I welcome the reminders because they make me feel closer to her.  No, the hardest part for me is seeing those I love hurting.  The fact that they are hurting makes the ache already existing in my heart so much worse.  There seems to be a slight haze hovering over each burst of sunlight.

I know Evie is happy and safe, happier and safer than she would have ever been down here with us, but it does not make me miss her any less.

I find myself wondering what exactly Christmas is like in heaven.  Do they celebrate Christmas up there?  Is there a huge birthday cake for Jesus or something?  I can’t even begin to imagine how awesome the Christmas lights and decorations must be up there.  And how cool must it be to hear the Christmas Story from Jesus himself!

And now, to bring this post to a close…

"Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I'm sure that
we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us ..."

-Kermit The Frog as Bob Cratchit

We will never forget you Evie Caris, and we look forward to someday spending our Christmases with you in heaven!

 

 

The Ladybug

     I spent much of the day yesterday thinking about and missing Evie.  Not that I don’t think about and miss her everyday, but yesterday it was especially so.  I am not sure of the reason, it was just one of those days I suppose.  I found myself frequently grasping my necklace, the one with her name engraved in it, the way I do whenever I want to feel close to her.  During the evening, I sat looking at pictures through tear-filled eyes as I reminisced about the time I spent with her.  How adorable she was with her chubby cheeks, her little noises, cradling her little body in my arms, and how it felt as I kissed her little face for the last time. 

     It was around 11:30 and I was sitting at my desk doing homework and being productive.  I had turned slightly in my swivel chair for whatever reason when I saw it.  There, sitting on my window curtain, was a little ladybug.  Now, to fully understand the significance of this, you have to know that ladybugs have been Evie’s little mascot from the moment we found out who she was.  Her memorial service had a ladybug theme and she had a special little ladybug blanket.  So, back to the ladybug…

My heart did a little leap in my chest as I was immediately reminded of my dear little niece.  I crept closer to the little ladybug wondering how on earth it would have gotten in my room and why, during this cool time of year when all other bugs are in hiding, was this tiny bug moving about.  I grabbed a small piece of paper and guided the ladybug to crawl onto it.  I stood there for a few moments in the middle of my room just holding the paper with the ladybug.  She did not move or try to fly away.  My mind began to race as I thought about how I could keep this ladybug as a pet.  I could put her in a little jar, feed her, and keep her in my room.  She could stay safe and close to me and be a symbol of sweet Evie.  Then reality came in.  I do not know the first thing about taking care of ladybugs.  Any feeble attempts of mine to keep her would likely result in an expedited death.  I realized that the best chance of her survival would be to put her back outdoors.  That was where she belonged.  That was where she could live.  Carefully, I brought the ladybug downstairs and carried her outside.  Kneeling gently, I placed the piece of paper with her on it inside one of my mom’s plants.  I sat for a moment watching the little bug before going back inside.  When I woke up this morning, I went back to the plant, a part of my hoping that the ladybug had stayed there…but she was gone.    

I realized that God was using the ladybug to tell me something.  As much as I wanted to keep Evie and have her stay here on earth close to me, where she belongs is heaven.  That is where she can thrive and be happy.  And, even though we cannot see her, she is having a fantastic life in heaven. 

I will still keep my eye out for ladybugs as a reminder of my little ladybug who is now flying around with the angels in heaven.