Evie's Story: From Auntie Shell's Perspective

* I wrote this at 1:00 in the morning and haven't re-read it, so please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors. 

 

Here is Evie Story from my perspective...

 

I had taken one step inside my house when I knew something was strange.  It was 11:00 at night, the lights were on downstairs and both of my parents were awake.  I barely had time to formulate the question, “You guys are up?”  When my dad answered, “Sarah’s at the hospital.”

The few seconds I stood motionless and confused in front of the door while my parents were frantically rummaging around downstairs seemed almost surreal.  “Wh-wh-wh-what?”  I stammered, still frozen in place with my bulky back-pack, car keys, and purse. 

“Hurry up we gotta go!  Grab a snack and some water and let’s go!”  My mother commanded in her this-is-urgent-mother-voice.  Still not fully processing, I moved towards the kitchen, filled my water bottle, snatched something edible from the cabinet and hustled myself into the car along with my parents.  It’s happening…it’s actually happening…it’s happening now?  Already?  I thought I had more time…God I’m not ready for this…I am so not ready for this yet!  Thus was the cycle of my thoughts during the eternal car ride. 

We finally reached the hospital and my dad found a parking space.  My mother broke out instantly into an almost run while I struggled to keep up, still lugging around my bag.  It’s funny how difficult it can be to locate an entrance when one is in a hurry…

My parents and I finally got inside where we saw Anna waiting for us.  Honestly, I don’t quite remember everything that was said…only that the security guard did not seem affected by our sense of urgency and admitted that he did not really know how to get to the fourth floor.  We all followed him around aimlessly for a bit as he asked around for anyone who knew how to get to the fourth floor.  How the heck do you not know how to get to the fourth floor?  Don’t you work in this freakin’ building??  My mother’s continued frantic prompting did nothing to speed his leisurely stroll pace.  “It’s alright, we’ve got nothing but time,” he told us calmly.

I was dangerously close to punching that man right in the face…several times…repeatedly…

At last, we got to the proper floor and rushed over to the emergency room area.  There we were met by a group of close friends and family as well as a grumpy lady at the front desk.  “She had the baby in the hallway,” I heard someone say.  I had a moment of severe panic.  What does that mean?  Where is she?  Where is Evie?  What is going on?  Why are we not all rushing to the room right now? “Don’t worry, she’s still here,” Lauren said to me softly.  I felt relieved; I hadn’t missed my chance, but still felt hurried to get in the room. 

Of course, we all had to a painstakingly long process of showing our ID and getting a special admittance sticker.  It was the second time that night I wanted to punch someone in the face…and it wouldn’t be the last. 

Finally, finally I was able to get through into my sister’s room.  There was a nurse in there talking about paperwork and this and that.  The curtain was drawn so I couldn’t see anything right away.  As soon as the curtain was drawn away, I made a beeline for the hospital bed.  Then I saw you for the first time.  You were all snuggled in a blanket, squished up face with chubby cheeks, and you were blue.  I don’t want her to be blue, I thought as the tears began to fill my eyes.  I still couldn’t believe it.  Months of waiting, months of anticipation, and you were right there in front of me.  I reached out and let my fingers brush your cheeks before I backed away to allow others the chance to gaze upon you, but my eyes never left you.  I stared, wanting to soak in as much of you as I could, wanting to engrave the memory of you in my brain.  Every twitch of the lips, furrow of the brow, little spit bubble, hiccup, tiny squeak, slight gesture; I didn’t want to miss a single thing.  Your brother was my only allowed distraction, and he was the cutest and sweetest distraction there ever could be.  I truly do not think I could have made it through that night without him there.  He was a little scared of you at first I think, not knowing what to make of this tiny bundle in his mommy’s arms, but as the night progressed, he became more accepting and even shared his orange motorcycle with you. 

Then, I saw something I was not expecting to see, your mommy passed you into the arms of your Yia Yia.  We get to hold her!  We are going to get to hold her!  I had come expecting to only get to admire you from the loving arms of your mommy and daddy, but I was actually going to get to hold you.  I waited patiently as you were adored by your Yia Yia, then your Papa, who then handed you to me.  You were so tiny, I had forgotten how little brand new babies are.  You let out a little noise, almost like a kitten’s meow as I took you in my arms.  Tears pooled in my eyes as I whispered to you.  Hey pretty girl, I love you so much.  You’re so beautiful and your Auntie Shell loves you so much.  I gently kissed you all over your little face, cradling your head in my arms.  I wanted to snuggle you all night, but, reluctantly, I passed you on to your Mamaw.  My eyes followed you as you were enjoyed by each person in the room.  Slowly, your color began to change from a little smurfette-sweetie blue to a more natural pink.  Your daddy gave you a sponge bath, which you protested with little squeaks of displeasure, and your mommy dressed you in pretty clothes complete with a pink knit cap and bow.  You looked like a perfect little princess.  For the next several minutes, you kept us all captivated and charmed with your sweet sounds, sounds which your brother began to imitate.  I tried to hold myself together and limit the tears, but when I would see you snuggled between your mommy and daddy, it would sometimes be too much for me and I would have to look away and allow myself a deep sob or two.  Nurses kept coming in and interrupting everything with talk of paperwork, procedure, and possible crowding of the room.  It was obvious the presence of so many of your fans annoyed them.  Just so you know, your Auntie Shell is not usually a violent person…but those nurses were also in danger of the wrath of my fist. 

We were told that we were all to move to a different room and your Papaw suggested that we have a word of prayer first.  All of your friends and family formed a circle; I stood between your Aunt Lauren and Uncle Luke, a tissue in my hand, ready for the anticipated tears.  As the prayer began, I felt your Uncle Luke put his arm around my shoulders.  I held him back, grateful for the support I desperately needed.  The prayer was a sweet one; it took every ounce of effort to reduce my crying to sobs instead of a mass of hiccupping hysteria.  Why God?  Why are you taking her from us?  I still just don’t understand.  Don’t you see how much we all love her?  Don’t you see the family you are taking her from?

I held your brother as we paraded to a new room.  Your daddy wheeled you in the baby bed.  The transportation to a new room seemed to put more natural color in your face, making you look even more beautiful.  Things began to feel more solemn in the new room as we knew our time with you was getting shorter and shorter.  The room was smaller.  Everyone was crowded together.  There was nothing to do now but wait.  We all waited in silence.  I was restless.  I stood, I sat, I walked around, I stared at you, I couldn’t stare at you, I played with your brother, I tried to keep myself under control.  My stomach was in knots.  Then, as I sat in the chair staring at the ground, I heard your daddy, with a tear filled voice, whisper a prayer of thanks to God for the time we had with you.  You were gone, and I felt my heart shatter into millions of pieces.  Loud hiccupping sobs began to escape from me.  My throat felt like it was on fire.  I couldn’t look at anyone, couldn’t talk to anyone, I could barely think.  I clenched my hands tightly, attempting to gain some control over my emotions, to no avail.  I wanted to cry, scream, and yes, punch things, but I felt like I couldn’t, not in front of everyone. 

Why God?  Why?

You, my little princess, had gone up to heaven, leaving us all missing you.  Eventually, I got up from the chair and stood staring at you, still wrapped up in a fuzzy pink blanket on your mommy’s lap.  You looked so perfect, you could have been sleeping.  “Do you want to hold her?”  I heard your mommy ask me.  I nodded, I couldn’t look at her.  She placed you in my arms and I held you tightly to me.  I turned away from the others and kissed your little face over and over again.  You were cold.  I cradled you closer and held still, hoping that I would miraculously feel you breathing again or feel your little heartbeat.  I kissed your little nose.  A young doctor came in.  She has a stethoscope with her and said that she needed to check on you.  She asked if I wanted to hold you while she checked and I nodded. 

  “Hi, Evie, hi pretty girl,” she whispered to you softly, “I like your outfit.”  She slipped the stethoscope under your shirt.  We all stood in silence for a solid minute.  The young doctor, with teary eyes, looked towards your mommy and daddy and shook her head, “I’m sorry.”

I let out fresh new tears as I kissed your forehead again and handed you back to your mommy.  My eyes became glued to the floor.  I heard everyone else talking around me.  I said nothing.  I couldn’t talk, couldn’t make eye contact.  Occasionally I would look away from the floor and over at you.  The pain and sadness in my heart felt as if it were about to smother me.  I wanted to leave, and yet, I didn’t want to leave because I knew that once I walked out that door, I would never see you on this earth again.  I glanced at the clock; it was around 4:00 in the morning.  Time had lost all meaning.  Everything felt sad and hollow. 

Before we left the hospital, I kissed your soft forehead one last time.  The pain of knowing I would never kiss it again was unbearable.  I walked through the hallway feeling like all the happiness had been sucked out of me for good.  I hated being alone with my thoughts.  The world seemed so dark, as if everything good and happy left it when you did.

I went to bed around 6:00 in the morning; the sun was already starting to peak out.  When I woke up, I thought of you and tears came to my eyes, but I also smiled.  I smiled because I was so thankful for the brief moments that we did get to share together.  And while a part of me will always ache for you, at least I have the hope that I will see you again one day.