This is post is a summary of the past week of my life...of what may be the worst week of my life so far. For the sake of time and space, I will not be providing the complete back-story. Please refer to this blog (my sister Sarah's blog) to find out more details about the situation...
Warning! This post is likely to be quite long as I tend to have a lot to say...
What started out as an exciting and much anticipated day suddenly turned tragic when my sister came to us with bad news about my niece. My sweet little Princess has developmental complications that will most likely result in her death shortly after birth. It took a moment for that news to sink in, and once it did, tears that remained close at hand for the duration of the week flooded from my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to be alone, to shut out the world and just cry...and cry...and cry. So cry I did! I shut myself in my room, curled into a ball on my bed and sobbed into my double bubble pillow. My heart hurt so bad I could barely stand the pain. I cried for the little girl I would never get to spoil with pretty dresses and tea parties. I cried for the teenage girl I would never get to talk about boys with over boxes of chocolates and bowls of cookie dough. I cried for the young woman I would never get to hug tight and congratulate after graduating high school. I cried for the young woman who I would never get to see walking down the aisle at her wedding through my misty eyes. And I cried for my sister, my sweet, wonderful sister who will have to carry her daughter for months knowing that she will only hold her in her arms a short while.
Amisdt the sadness, there was another feeling slowly creeping up and consuming my entire soul and mind. Anger. Complete and total furry and anger. Anger that was directed at God. In my mind I screamed at Him. Asked Him how He could let this happen? WHY was He letting this happen? It seemed so cruel, so viciously cruel that I just couldn't understand.
I didn't read my Bible that night. I didn't pray that night. I knew that I should do those things, but I just couldn't, I was too angry. Instead, I cried myself to exhaustion and woke up the next morning with puffy, red eyes. I was still mad. I stayed mad all day. There was a constant heaviness and aching in my heart, a permanent lump in my throat. I was furious. It felt like nothing mattered, the world was gray and full of things to hate, people to yell at, things to complain about, and definitely things to cry about. When my sister announced the name for the baby, Evie Caris, the pain reached a whole new level. People tried to comfort me by saying the very thing that I have told many people in difficult situations, that it will all work together for God's plan, that He has a reason for everything He does. On the outside I would positively acknowledge their statement, when on the inside I was livid. How can this situation work together for good? And whatever God's "big plan" is why couldn't He think of another way to do it? I mean He is GOD after all!
These thoughts stayed with me. They swam in my mind all day and all night. Anger, Sadness, and Tears were all I knew for the entire week. Nothing truly made me happy and I felt that nothing would ever again. I had no hope, and no faith. I didn't read my Bible. I didn't pray. I just wanted to shut God completely out of my life. He was the reason this was happening and I wanted nothing to do with Him. Even holding hands while my father prayed for the evening meals would leave me biting my nip or digging my finger nails into my hands to hold back my resentment.
I kept all of this inside. I didn't want anyone to know how much I was struggling, especially since I have always been that good Christian girl who seems like she has it all together. I really didn't want my sister to know because, like a good sister, she always worries about me and I thought God had given her enough to worry about already. So I lived out an entire week in this fashion. Hating the world, wanting to punch things, and absolutely despising God for bringing this on my family.
Still, through it all, I knew that God was trying to pull my back. A while ago I had signed up to receive Bible verses via text message and randomly one day I received two in a row. One made reference to calling to God in times of trouble, the other encouraged looking in God's Word for answers. Every day I would see someone post a verse on facebook that was entirely applicable to my situation. I knew God wanted me to come to Him, but I wasn't ready, I just didn't want to. I hated walking into church on Sunday, not only because I anticipated the morning cry fest of hugs, I'm sorrys, and how are you doings, but because it was church, and God would definitely be there.
Then, all of a sudden, after a week of such intense and terrible pain, it started to get better. I was on my morning run when I all of a sudden felt an incredible urge and longing to pray. So I did. I asked God to forgive me for my anger and awful attitude the past week. I thanked Him for my many blessings and asked Him to help my family through this tough situation. I asked Him to bless Evie and, if it is in His will, to provide a miracle for that sweet little girl. But most importantly, I asked Him to help me accept whatever He has planned because I know it will be good in the end and to help me never to stray so far away again. After that, I felt a sense of peace that has stayed with me all day. Sure, I am still saddened by the situation and have teared up occasionally today, but I no longer feel the same profound hurt and betrayal.
I am thankful for the people who I know have been praying for me and my family and ask that you continue to do so as we still will have hard times ahead.
Congratulations! You read that entire post! Hopefully I will have something more lighthearted to post next time!
