* I wrote this at 1:00 in the morning and haven't re-read it, so please forgive any spelling or grammatical errors.
Here is Evie Story from my perspective...
I had taken one step inside my house when I knew something
was strange. It was 11:00 at night, the
lights were on downstairs and both of my parents were awake. I barely had time to formulate the question,
“You guys are up?” When my dad answered,
“Sarah’s at the hospital.”
The few seconds I stood motionless and confused in front of
the door while my parents were frantically rummaging around downstairs seemed
almost surreal. “Wh-wh-wh-what?” I stammered, still frozen in place with my
bulky back-pack, car keys, and purse.
“Hurry up we gotta go!
Grab a snack and some water and let’s go!” My mother commanded in
her this-is-urgent-mother-voice. Still
not fully processing, I moved towards the kitchen, filled my water bottle,
snatched something edible from the cabinet and hustled myself into the car
along with my parents. It’s happening…it’s actually happening…it’s
happening now? Already? I thought I had more time…God I’m not ready
for this…I am so not ready for this yet!
Thus was the cycle of my thoughts during the eternal car ride.
We finally reached the hospital and my dad found a parking
space. My mother broke out instantly
into an almost run while I struggled to keep up, still lugging around my
bag. It’s funny how difficult it can be
to locate an entrance when one is in a hurry…
My parents and I finally got inside where we saw Anna
waiting for us. Honestly, I don’t quite
remember everything that was said…only that the security guard did not seem
affected by our sense of urgency and admitted that he did not really know how
to get to the fourth floor. We all
followed him around aimlessly for a bit as he asked around for anyone who knew
how to get to the fourth floor. How the heck do you not know how to get to
the fourth floor? Don’t you work in this
freakin’ building?? My mother’s
continued frantic prompting did nothing to speed his leisurely stroll
pace. “It’s alright, we’ve got nothing
but time,” he told us calmly.
I was dangerously close to punching that man right in the
face…several times…repeatedly…
At last, we got to the proper floor and rushed over to the
emergency room area. There we were met
by a group of close friends and family as well as a grumpy lady at the front
desk. “She had the baby in the hallway,”
I heard someone say. I had a moment of
severe panic. What does that mean? Where is
she? Where is Evie? What is going on? Why are we not all rushing to the room right
now? “Don’t worry, she’s still here,” Lauren said to me softly. I felt relieved; I hadn’t missed my chance,
but still felt hurried to get in the room.
Of course, we all had to a painstakingly long process of
showing our ID and getting a special admittance sticker. It was the second time that night I wanted to
punch someone in the face…and it wouldn’t be the last.
Finally, finally I was able to get through into my sister’s
room. There was a nurse in there talking
about paperwork and this and that. The
curtain was drawn so I couldn’t see anything right away. As soon as the curtain was drawn away, I made
a beeline for the hospital bed. Then I
saw you for the first time. You were all
snuggled in a blanket, squished up face with chubby cheeks, and you were
blue. I don’t want her to be blue, I thought as the tears began to fill
my eyes. I still couldn’t believe
it. Months of waiting, months of
anticipation, and you were right there in front of me. I reached out and let my fingers brush your
cheeks before I backed away to allow others the chance to gaze upon you, but my
eyes never left you. I stared, wanting
to soak in as much of you as I could, wanting to engrave the memory of you in
my brain. Every twitch of the lips,
furrow of the brow, little spit bubble, hiccup, tiny squeak, slight gesture; I
didn’t want to miss a single thing. Your
brother was my only allowed distraction, and he was the cutest and sweetest
distraction there ever could be. I truly
do not think I could have made it through that night without him there. He was a little scared of you at first I
think, not knowing what to make of this tiny bundle in his mommy’s arms, but as
the night progressed, he became more accepting and even shared his orange
motorcycle with you.
Then, I saw something I was not expecting to see, your mommy
passed you into the arms of your Yia Yia.
We get to hold her! We are going to get to hold her! I had come expecting to only get to admire
you from the loving arms of your mommy and daddy, but I was actually going to
get to hold you. I waited patiently as
you were adored by your Yia Yia, then your Papa, who then handed you to
me. You were so tiny, I had forgotten
how little brand new babies are. You let
out a little noise, almost like a kitten’s meow as I took you in my arms. Tears pooled in my eyes as I whispered to
you. Hey
pretty girl, I love you so much. You’re
so beautiful and your Auntie Shell loves you so much. I gently kissed you all over your little
face, cradling your head in my arms. I
wanted to snuggle you all night, but, reluctantly, I passed you on to your
Mamaw. My eyes followed you as you were
enjoyed by each person in the room.
Slowly, your color began to change from a little smurfette-sweetie blue
to a more natural pink. Your daddy gave
you a sponge bath, which you protested with little squeaks of displeasure, and
your mommy dressed you in pretty clothes complete with a pink knit cap and
bow. You looked like a perfect little
princess. For the next several minutes,
you kept us all captivated and charmed with your sweet sounds, sounds which
your brother began to imitate. I tried
to hold myself together and limit the tears, but when I would see you snuggled
between your mommy and daddy, it would sometimes be too much for me and I would
have to look away and allow myself a deep sob or two. Nurses kept coming in and interrupting
everything with talk of paperwork, procedure, and possible crowding of the
room. It was obvious the presence of so
many of your fans annoyed them. Just so
you know, your Auntie Shell is not usually a violent person…but those nurses
were also in danger of the wrath of my fist.
We were told that we were all to move to a different room
and your Papaw suggested that we have a word of prayer first. All of your friends and family formed a
circle; I stood between your Aunt Lauren and Uncle Luke, a tissue in my hand,
ready for the anticipated tears. As the
prayer began, I felt your Uncle Luke put his arm around my shoulders. I held him back, grateful for the support I
desperately needed. The prayer was a
sweet one; it took every ounce of effort to reduce my crying to sobs instead of
a mass of hiccupping hysteria. Why God?
Why are you taking her from us? I
still just don’t understand. Don’t you
see how much we all love her? Don’t you
see the family you are taking her from?
I held your brother as we paraded to a new room. Your daddy wheeled you in the baby bed. The transportation to a new room seemed to
put more natural color in your face, making you look even more beautiful. Things began to feel more solemn in the new
room as we knew our time with you was getting shorter and shorter. The room was smaller. Everyone was crowded together. There was nothing to do now but wait. We all waited in silence. I was restless. I stood, I sat, I walked around, I stared at
you, I couldn’t stare at you, I played with your brother, I tried to keep myself
under control. My stomach was in
knots. Then, as I sat in the chair
staring at the ground, I heard your daddy, with a tear filled voice, whisper a
prayer of thanks to God for the time we had with you. You were gone, and I felt my heart shatter
into millions of pieces. Loud hiccupping
sobs began to escape from me. My throat
felt like it was on fire. I couldn’t
look at anyone, couldn’t talk to anyone, I could barely think. I clenched my hands tightly, attempting to
gain some control over my emotions, to no avail. I wanted to cry, scream, and yes, punch
things, but I felt like I couldn’t, not in front of everyone.
Why God? Why?
You, my little princess, had gone up to heaven, leaving us
all missing you. Eventually, I got up
from the chair and stood staring at you, still wrapped up in a fuzzy pink
blanket on your mommy’s lap. You looked
so perfect, you could have been sleeping.
“Do you want to hold her?” I
heard your mommy ask me. I nodded, I
couldn’t look at her. She placed you in
my arms and I held you tightly to me. I
turned away from the others and kissed your little face over and over
again. You were cold. I cradled you closer and held still, hoping
that I would miraculously feel you breathing again or feel your little
heartbeat. I kissed your little
nose. A young doctor came in. She has a stethoscope with her and said that
she needed to check on you. She asked if
I wanted to hold you while she checked and I nodded.
“Hi, Evie, hi pretty
girl,” she whispered to you softly, “I like your outfit.” She slipped the stethoscope under your
shirt. We all stood in silence for a
solid minute. The young doctor, with
teary eyes, looked towards your mommy and daddy and shook her head, “I’m
sorry.”
I let out fresh new tears as I kissed your forehead again and
handed you back to your mommy. My eyes
became glued to the floor. I heard
everyone else talking around me. I said
nothing. I couldn’t talk, couldn’t make
eye contact. Occasionally I would look
away from the floor and over at you. The
pain and sadness in my heart felt as if it were about to smother me. I wanted to leave, and yet, I didn’t want to
leave because I knew that once I walked out that door, I would never see you on
this earth again. I glanced at the
clock; it was around 4:00 in the morning.
Time had lost all meaning.
Everything felt sad and hollow.
Before we left the hospital, I kissed your soft forehead one
last time. The pain of knowing I would
never kiss it again was unbearable. I
walked through the hallway feeling like all the happiness had been sucked out
of me for good. I hated being alone with
my thoughts. The world seemed so dark,
as if everything good and happy left it when you did.
I went to bed around 6:00 in the morning; the sun was
already starting to peak out. When I
woke up, I thought of you and tears came to my eyes, but I also smiled. I smiled because I was so thankful for the
brief moments that we did get to share together. And while a part of me will always ache for
you, at least I have the hope that I will see you again one day.
