Ever since July
16, 2012, my life had revolved around the anticipation of Evie’s birth. Waiting for the day I would get to meet her
and say goodbye to her. When that day
finally arrived on November 8, 2012, I resumed waiting once again, this time
waiting for the day to celebrate her and say a final goodbye. We honored Evie on November 16, 2012 with
prayers, songs, tears, and many sweet treats.
After the
memorial service was over, I remember saying somewhat lightly to a friend, “Well,
I made it! Now just the rest of my life
to go!” It wasn’t until much later that
night when the reality of that statement hit me fully, now just the rest of my life to go…
So now what? For the past four months, my life has
consisted of waiting, waiting to get over the next obstacle, waiting to get
through the next moment of anticipated tears and pain. I survived by thinking if I can just get through this it will be alright…if I can just get
through this…but now everything is over.
Evie is in heaven. I have met her,
held her, said goodbye, and commemorated her.
So now what? I hadn’t thought about what I would do once I
had done all of those things. There isn’t
anything to wait for in nervous expectation.
No final hurdle I can jump and breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the
pain and hardship is over. The pain will
always be there. The hurt will always be
there. My heart will always be missing a
little Evie shaped piece. I am going to
have to live the rest of my life this way.
Another day down,
now just the rest of my life to go…
Nothing will ever take away from your love of Evie. But you WILL be okay. You will make it past this tough time. You will, because Sarah is. Because Evie's mom can rejoice in the fact that her precious girl is in the arms of THE most capable and loving person. ever. You'll always have a twinge of hurt. It will hurt to see other little ones, it will hurt when you wish you could dress her up or take her out and talk to her. It hurts now and it may never be "the same". But the STING will go away. It's okay to grieve and it's okay to move on. Part of the whole "memorial" process is to aid in closure and the "finality" of it all here on earth. You are allowed to process it all. You're allowed to talk to God about it. You are also allowed to be okay and take steps towards moving past this stage too. Sarah is working towards that, and clearly she won't EVER forget and the hurt and memories won't disappear... but neither will the good things. And she can certainly count on seeing her sweet girl in heaven. Love you, praying for you and hoping that you choose to grieve, like you need to, and then put one foot in front of the other and keep living. God wants you to live <3 Love you.
ReplyDeletePraying for you Michelle!! I couldn't have said it better than Lauren did above. Remember in the hospital right after we'd all said goodbye to Evie? Remember how I told you that right now it hurts and right now it doesn't feel okay... but that someday it WILL be okay? I meant it and it's true. There will be a scar on your heart forever to remind you of your sweet niece... but you will be okay again!! Someday it won't feel like this - I promise. Mourn her loss now, don't hold back... but then smile and move forward knowing that you're moving forward to the day you get to see her again! We're all praying for your whole family and we're here for you if you need us! Love you!!
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