Help Me Find It

I've blogged before about how certain songs have been able to touch my soul and express exactly what I was thinking or needed to say.  Recently, I have encountered another song that is able to do just that. 

Help Me Find it:  Sidewalk Prophets

 

You see, being the hyper-organized control freak that I am, trust has been something that I have struggled with pretty much my whole life.  The past year and three months of my life have introduced circumstances which have tested my ability to trust almost to the breaking point (and honestly, at times I think I might have been at the breaking point).  Anyway, this song just seems to echo the prayer I want/need to say to God. 

 



"I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You


If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You
If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it"

 

 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18  "Rejoice evermore.  Pray without ceasing.  In everything  give thanks:  for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

'Tis So Sweet

‘Tis So Sweet

I’ve heard the words, and my own voice would sing

‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

But my heart and my mind were not fully convinced

Of that wondrous truth that echoes around

‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

All the time I would worry, fretting and full of fear

What I could not control, could not understand

Things that could be, what my strength could not bear

‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

No peace I found, though I desperately sought

Tried to read, tried to pray for God to somehow remove

The feeling of unease that seemed content to stay

How can I fully trust when so much is at stake?

‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

And then I started to hear the voice

The voice so still and so small that it seemed to be hidden

Muffled by the cacophonous disquiet of my mind

Trust Me it said simply, over and over

And in time I began to slowly surrender

‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

I give You my life, I relinquish control

You, the Author, Creator hold the pen for my story

Every twist, turn, and stumble exists for a purpose

All the joys and the pains shape me to who I should become

There is no need to worry because it is all in Your hands

My life is Yours; I live for Your ultimate Glory

‘tis so sweet to trust in Jesus.

 

 

The Experiment

So, over the past several days, I’ve been conducting an experiment.  Coincidentally, this correlates with my first week of teaching science for my student teaching internship…but that’s beside the point! 

Anyway, back to the experiment!  I was mowing the grass in my backyard one afternoon (a chore during which I find myself having most of my epiphanies) when I had a negative thought about someone.  Now, from our human perspective, this negative thought was probably perfectly justified and maybe even encouraged, but, as I was exerting my upper body strength, pushing the loud, black machine around the yard, I suddenly felt a thought-jolt.  What is a thought-jolt you ask?  Well, you’ve likely experienced one at some point…I just decided to name it!  A thought-jolt is when a thought quite rapidly enters your head and the effect of it seems to travel all the way down to your toes!  Now, I am 100% convinced that this particular thought-jolt came directly from God because, as I was busy silently stewing over that person, I heard a voice in my brain that simply said just pray for them. 

Oh, I certainly was not a fan of that idea!  But I can’t!  I soundlessly screamed back to that voice.  I fought if for a while, but deep down, I knew that it was what I should do.  So, I swallowed my pride, anger, and irritation and forced myself to pray something that sounded like this:  God, you know how difficult this is for me, and how much I do not want to pray for this person, but I know that, no matter what they have done, you love them and so I must love them.  The prayer went on for a little bit longer, but I think you get the gist! 

And so here is the experiment, every time I have a negative thought toward someone, I pray for them instead.  This can be incredibly difficult, particularly if the person has significantly hurt me, but even more so if it is someone who has caused pain for someone I care about.  It can even pose a challenge when someone just does a small thing to bother you during the day!  The trick?  I am very honest with God when I pray.  If I need to, I tell Him how hard it is for me, but I continue to pray anyway. 

Even though I have only been practicing this habit for the past five days, it is crazy how much my attitude has started to shift….in a good way!

So, I challenge anyone who reads this to try this experiment…you won’t regret it!

One Day

     It’s funny how one day can change your entire life.  One single moment in one single day has the potential to affect the rest of your time here on earth. 

     July 16, 2012 was the day that my world felt like it was turned upside down and my life was changed forever.  It was on that day when we found out that my sweet little niece Evie was not going to remain with us long after birth, if at all. 

     I can remember it all so clearly.  First, there was the excitement of finding out the gender of the child my sister was carrying.  Then, the thrill of finding out it was a girl paired with slight concern as there were possible complications.  Next, the feeling of complete peace because, I just knew God was going to work everything out, the baby would be fine of course.  For just about the first time in my life, I was not worried.  And then, my world was shattered.  The feelings of total desolation, anger, frustration…and betrayal set in.  That one day rocked the entire spiritual foundation I had been building upon since childhood.  That one day marked the beginning of what I consider to be the hardest year of my life so far. 

     I’d say that the past year has been a roller coaster, but that metaphor would require an equal amount of emotional highs and lows.  Perhaps it’s more fitting to say that it has been like a submarine; submerging to depths lower than I’ve ever experienced and slowly, slowly beginning to rise up toward the surface. 

     Gee, that sounds depressing!  But I can honestly say that, right now, I am in a much better place, both spiritually and emotionally, than I was last year!

     The secret?  Prayer…constant prayer.  Prayer when I was sad.  Prayer when I was angry.  Prayer when I was frustrated.  Prayer when all I had to say to God was that I did not feel much like praying at the moment.  Oh yes, God sure heard a lot from me these 12 months…and it definitely was not all lovely!

     I’m coming to terms with the fact that, this side of heaven, I may never understand the why question that has been circulating around my brain. 

     I still miss that little girl, but I’m learning again to trust that God has a reason for everything.

 

On a totally different note…July is National Hot Dog Month, National Blueberry Month, and National Ice Cream Month!  Wooootwoooo! 

21 Things

In honor of my 21^st birthday, which is coming up in a few days, I thought it might be fun to share 21 random facts about myself…

1) I have a borderline unhealthy obsession with The Hunger Games.

2) My favorite flowers are dandelions and daisies. 

3) I pretend I am in Broadway musicals whenever I am home alone.

4) If I could only eat one food for the rest of my life, it would definitely be bread!

5) My favorite song is A Little Fall of Rain from Les Misérables.

6) I think Country Music is awesome!

7) Jasmine is my favorite Disney Princess.

8) I love to cook and bake.

9) I love seeing people eat whatever I cook and/or bake.

10) My biggest pet peeve is when people say “I could care less”  (the phrase is I COULDN’T care less!!!!!!)

11) I strongly dislike roses. 

12) I enjoy incorporating movie references and quotes into daily conversation.

13) I am ½ Greek.

14) My sister named me after the Michelle on the TV show Full House.

15) I hate riding roller coasters.

16) I do not like soda.

17) My nephew is the cutest and most brilliant child ever and I love him like crazy!

18) According to the online assessment, my love language is Acts of Service.

19) I tend to be a hyper-organized-perfectionist.

20) I desperately want to own a blue pick-up truck!

21) My favorite colors are green, yellow, and blue!

There ya go, 21 things you may or may not have known about me!

 

Incomplete

     A couple weeks ago, during our church’s Wednesday night evening service, my Pastor was speaking about the subject of Grace.  He illustrated the point of how, because of Grace, we belong in God’s family by using his own family, a family to which, through my sister’s marriage and years of fellowship, I am nearly apart of myself.  He said that, though his sons are grown and two of them have their own families, holidays and family occasions always feel a little incomplete if any of them are absent. 

     That particular thought struck me to the core, because, for the rest of my life, no special occasion, holiday, or simple family get together will ever be complete.  There is a sweet little girl that is always going to be missing from all of it. 

     Minus one stocking at Christmas time.  An empty basket at Easter meant to be filled with plastic eggs encasing goodies.  One less little person around the table at Thanksgiving.  Missing the cutie who would probably have been the flower girl at my wedding (if I am lucky enough to get married).  Always missing…always missed.

     This is the reason why all special occasions during the past several months have felt as if there is a shadow cast upon them…none of them feel complete. 

     My 21^st Birthday will be here in a little over a week.  The day will also be Evie’s 8 month Heaven Birthday.  People can ask me what I want for my birthday, and I can honestly say nothing, nothing, at least, that they can give me.  What I want is for our family to feel complete again.  I want the happiness and joy that comes from having all of our family members crowded under one roof.  But, I know that will never happen here on earth.

Until we all are reunited in heaven, it will always feel…incomplete.

    

Pray

     The past several months (almost year) of my life have been….difficult, to say the least.  I have dealt with a vast range and depth of emotions too intertwined and complicated to properly express.  The inability to truly convey these emotions often leaves me frustrated (and moody). 

What has brought me a degree of comfort, however, is the discovery of certain songs that seem to articulate my feelings exactly.  It brings me almost a sense of relief to hear that I am not the only one to experience these particular sentiments.  While there are several songs I turn to when in need of a catharsis, I want to focus on one in particular right now…

Sanctus Real: Pray

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with

I'm in a desperate place; I need to share the weight

But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out

 

Though I'm silent, my heart is crying

‘Cause I was made to come to You

 

So I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

 

I failed to find the time, but You've been calling out

I let the days go by as if I could live without

But it's gotta be here now, I won't be pulled away

‘Cause it's just You and I, so let the world around us fade

 

As I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

I'm gonna pray

 

Father, I’m in a desperate place.

Father, I know You can bear the weight.

Father, Take me in Your arms as I speak You name.

I lift my hands and pray

I lift my hands and pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

And every single part of me

So even it’s just to speak Your name,

I’m gonna pray

I’m gonna pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

More than words, You want my life

Take it as an offering.

 

       I first heard it while driving in the car and it immediately resonated within me.  You see, being as emotionally overwhelmed as I have been during the past almost year, I have found that prayer seems to require a bit more effort.  There have been times when my prayers have simply been God, I know I should pray and that I need to pray, but I honestly do not know what to say or how to say it.  So when I heard this song, I felt like it had been written specifically for me.  Naturally, I did what any emotional female would do…I cried my eyes out.  It was the good kind of crying though (yes, there is a good kind of crying).  This song is now echoing as a constant melody in my head, reminding me that it’s ok not to know what to say sometimes, because God knows it all and will provide me with whatever I truly need.

In conclusion, here are some of the other songs I have found therapeutic:

Kutless:  Even If

Meredith Andrews:  Not for a Moment (After All)  

Laura Story:  Blessings

Matt Hammitt:  All of Me

Jason Gray:  Nothing is Wasted

Josh Wilson:  Carry Me

Carrie Underwood:  See You Again

 

 

Six Months

     Yesterday marked Evie’s six month birthday in heaven.  Not a day goes by where I don’t think of that little girl.  I wonder what she would have been like, what cute little outfits we would have dressed her in, how she and Micah would have gotten along.  I wonder what she is doing right now this very moment in heaven.  I wonder if she knows just how much I love her.  Of course, I’m not sure how it words in heaven, but I really hope she somehow knows how often I think about her and how I love her so very much. 

     Some days, my heart feels so heavy that I can almost feel it dragging me down.  My desire to hold that little girl in my arms, to see her, kiss her, snuggle her, is so overwhelming at times that the pain seems to choke me. 

     I miss her.  I will always miss her.  Missing her is now an integral piece of me, a piece that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.     

Always in my heart <3

Peeta

     So, you probably read the title of this post and chuckled or shook your head in disbelief (or shook you head because you know me and didn’t actually find it all that surprising!). 

Contrary to what the title may have you believe, this post is not dedicated to me describing all of the wonderful qualities of Peeta Mellark, although I very well could make such a post…or maybe I could just create an entire blog…

By the way, if you do not know who Peeta Mellark is, stop reading this post immediately and go pick up a copy of The Hunger Games.

Anyway, if you know me, chances are, you know that I have a slight obsession with The Hunger Games along with a slight obsession with Peeta. 

This is how I felt after finishing The Hunger Games series…

 

     Well, the other day, I got to thinking about why I love Peeta so much.  Is it his charismatic nature?  His artistic flare and baking skills?  Those sparkling blue eyes?  His strength?  His kindness?  How his favorite color is sunset orange?  As great as all of those things are, they are not the main reason I am so drawn to his character.  What I admire most about him is how he genuinely and whole-heartedly loves Katniss.  Despite all of her flaws, all of the hardships, all of the pain, he loves her.  No matter the circumstances of their life and no matter how she treated him, he always, 100% loved her and supported her.  He saw her at her best, and he saw her at her worst, but he loved her just the same.  His love for her was just so pure, whole, and unbreakable.     

 

     That, my friends, is what makes Peeta so…Mellarkable in my eyes (see what I did there…like remarkable?  Haha!) And that is what I truly hope to find one day.  A guy who will really, truly love me, despite all of my imperfections and annoying habits, despite all of my issues and outbursts of crazy.  A love so strong that I never have to worry that he may tire of me, worry that he will someday no longer want me, a love I can really trust.    

     That is the standard Peeta Mellark has set for me.  So, when I say that I am holding out for a Peeta, I don’t necessarily mean a blonde-haired blue-eyes baker who double knots his shoe laces and likes to sleep with the window open (although I wouldn’t turn down one of those if anyone happened to find one…).  To me, waiting for Peeta means waiting for a man who will just love me for me…and hopefully that is possible!

But, until I meet him…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six Months Ago...

     Six months ago today, my world was turned upside down.  Six months ago today, I was waiting in eager anticipation to find out whether I was going to have a niece or nephew.  Six months ago today, I had a few hours  to imagine all of the lovely frills, bows, and toys I would be bringing home in bulging shopping bags.  Six months ago today, I found out that none of that was going to happen, because my niece would not survive long after her birth. 

     I can safely say that these have been the most difficult six months of my life.  I have cried a countless number of tears and felt such immense pain in my heart to the point where it seemed as if it would smother me.  I have felt angry, alone, and surrounded by darkness.  There were times where any amount of joy or happiness seemed utterly impossible, times when I wanted to shut out everyone and everything, times when I thought maybe Job’s wife had the right idea after all…

     Honestly, these are all still things I struggle with from time to time.  It feels as if a part of me has changed…and not so much for the better.  I have developed somewhat of an underlying bitterness in my approach to daily life.  This is not to say that I never smile and have fun, because I do, but if you were to show me a glass and ask is the glass half empty or half full, my response would be to push the glass off the table. 

     Some days are better than others.  My good days are really really good, but my mellow days are bad…and my bad days are absolutely horrendous. 

     I’m still working on rebuilding my…shall we say…tattered relationship with God.  There are some things that I do not understand, never will understand, and I guess I am just going to have to live with that.