Six Months Ago...

     Six months ago today, my world was turned upside down.  Six months ago today, I was waiting in eager anticipation to find out whether I was going to have a niece or nephew.  Six months ago today, I had a few hours  to imagine all of the lovely frills, bows, and toys I would be bringing home in bulging shopping bags.  Six months ago today, I found out that none of that was going to happen, because my niece would not survive long after her birth. 

     I can safely say that these have been the most difficult six months of my life.  I have cried a countless number of tears and felt such immense pain in my heart to the point where it seemed as if it would smother me.  I have felt angry, alone, and surrounded by darkness.  There were times where any amount of joy or happiness seemed utterly impossible, times when I wanted to shut out everyone and everything, times when I thought maybe Job’s wife had the right idea after all…

     Honestly, these are all still things I struggle with from time to time.  It feels as if a part of me has changed…and not so much for the better.  I have developed somewhat of an underlying bitterness in my approach to daily life.  This is not to say that I never smile and have fun, because I do, but if you were to show me a glass and ask is the glass half empty or half full, my response would be to push the glass off the table. 

     Some days are better than others.  My good days are really really good, but my mellow days are bad…and my bad days are absolutely horrendous. 

     I’m still working on rebuilding my…shall we say…tattered relationship with God.  There are some things that I do not understand, never will understand, and I guess I am just going to have to live with that.