For Evie...

I wrote this a while ago and just hadn't brought myself around to posting it or showing anyone yet.  For some reason, this morning just feels like a good time...

For Evie...

I will not get to see you grow.

I’ll hold you for a moment and have to let you go.

Sweet little baby, how time moves so fast

Our first tender meeting will also be our last.

I wanted to buy you frilly dresses and bows

And paint pretty colors on your fingers and toes.

I wanted to watch you dance and run around at play

And make you feel better when your world seemed gray.

I would have delighted in your joy and cried in your grief

But our time on this world together will be so brief.

I don’t pretend to understand and I’m not afraid to cry.

I ask God every day the same question of “why?”

Why must I not get to see you grow?

Why must I hold you for a moment and let you go?

Sweet little girl, my heart’s treasure so dear,

Why are we not allowed to keep you right here?

All I can do is trust in God’s plan.

His power is greater than any of man.

I’ll rest in the comfort that one day I’ll see

You lovely in heaven, together eternally.

My niece, my Evie, I will not get to see you grow.

I’ll hold you for a moment and have to let you go. 

Two Months

Two months.  Can it be only two months since my world felt like it was turned upside down?  Two months since my heart was shattered into thousands of seemingly irreparable pieces?  Two months since I felt the worst pain I have ever experienced, pain that exists constantly somewhere in the back of my heart and mind?  Yes, it has only been two months, though it feels as though it has been an eternity. 

I am not going to lie; these past two months have been incredibly difficult.  They have been full of anger, tears, frustration, hurt, stress, and unanswered questions.  I must say how proud I am of how strong my family has been, especially my amazing sister. With her broken hear and tear-filled eyes, she has been able to hold steadfast to her faith and, because of this, is an example of what all women should aspire to be.  I wish I could say that I have been that strong.  I wish I could say that I have clung to God for peace and turned to Him in my moments of need and pain these past two months.  Well, I suppose I could say all of those things and no one would know the difference…except for me…and except for God. 

Truthfully, to say that my faith has been a little rocky would be an understatement.  Everyday is a struggle.  I have to fight to keep faith, fight to trust God, fight to pray.  I know what I should do, I know what would be the smartest thing to do, but some moments of some days, I feel like I just can’t.  It is like this… I am in a tiny boat in the middle of a wide ocean during a hurricane.  I have no life jacket, and my boat has a little hole which will eventually cause it to sink.  Well, as I am sitting in that boat, I see a guy from somewhere (just work with me here) offering me a life jacket.  I know I should take it, I know it would be stupid not to take the life jacket because, without it, I will sink and die!  So that’s kind of what my days have been like…deciding whether or not I will take the life jacket I know God is holding out there for me.  One day I’ll eagerly reach for it, another day I’ll half-heartedly take it, other days I’ll blatantly refuse it and sit in the sinking boat with my arms crossed and eyebrow furrowed, and still other days I will take the life jacket for a while, throw it away, and then accept it again, and throw it away again (get the pattern?).

Honestly, I am not really looking forward to what the next few months may hold.  I am afraid of how much more that little boat in the ocean is going to have to be tossed.  I still have unanswered questions and stuff I will inevitably face, and things I will never understand.  All I know to do is keep fighting every single day not to completely lose hold of that life jacket…because I sure can’t swim very well!