Pray

     The past several months (almost year) of my life have been….difficult, to say the least.  I have dealt with a vast range and depth of emotions too intertwined and complicated to properly express.  The inability to truly convey these emotions often leaves me frustrated (and moody). 

What has brought me a degree of comfort, however, is the discovery of certain songs that seem to articulate my feelings exactly.  It brings me almost a sense of relief to hear that I am not the only one to experience these particular sentiments.  While there are several songs I turn to when in need of a catharsis, I want to focus on one in particular right now…

Sanctus Real: Pray

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with

I'm in a desperate place; I need to share the weight

But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out

 

Though I'm silent, my heart is crying

‘Cause I was made to come to You

 

So I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

 

I failed to find the time, but You've been calling out

I let the days go by as if I could live without

But it's gotta be here now, I won't be pulled away

‘Cause it's just You and I, so let the world around us fade

 

As I pray

God I need You more than words can say

Right here in this moment

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

So even if it's just to speak Your name

I'm gonna pray

I'm gonna pray

 

Father, I’m in a desperate place.

Father, I know You can bear the weight.

Father, Take me in Your arms as I speak You name.

I lift my hands and pray

I lift my hands and pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

And every single part of me

So even it’s just to speak Your name,

I’m gonna pray

I’m gonna pray

 

You know my heart, You know my need

You know every part of me

More than words, You want my life

Take it as an offering.

 

       I first heard it while driving in the car and it immediately resonated within me.  You see, being as emotionally overwhelmed as I have been during the past almost year, I have found that prayer seems to require a bit more effort.  There have been times when my prayers have simply been God, I know I should pray and that I need to pray, but I honestly do not know what to say or how to say it.  So when I heard this song, I felt like it had been written specifically for me.  Naturally, I did what any emotional female would do…I cried my eyes out.  It was the good kind of crying though (yes, there is a good kind of crying).  This song is now echoing as a constant melody in my head, reminding me that it’s ok not to know what to say sometimes, because God knows it all and will provide me with whatever I truly need.

In conclusion, here are some of the other songs I have found therapeutic:

Kutless:  Even If

Meredith Andrews:  Not for a Moment (After All)  

Laura Story:  Blessings

Matt Hammitt:  All of Me

Jason Gray:  Nothing is Wasted

Josh Wilson:  Carry Me

Carrie Underwood:  See You Again

 

 

Six Months

     Yesterday marked Evie’s six month birthday in heaven.  Not a day goes by where I don’t think of that little girl.  I wonder what she would have been like, what cute little outfits we would have dressed her in, how she and Micah would have gotten along.  I wonder what she is doing right now this very moment in heaven.  I wonder if she knows just how much I love her.  Of course, I’m not sure how it words in heaven, but I really hope she somehow knows how often I think about her and how I love her so very much. 

     Some days, my heart feels so heavy that I can almost feel it dragging me down.  My desire to hold that little girl in my arms, to see her, kiss her, snuggle her, is so overwhelming at times that the pain seems to choke me. 

     I miss her.  I will always miss her.  Missing her is now an integral piece of me, a piece that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.     

Always in my heart <3

Peeta

     So, you probably read the title of this post and chuckled or shook your head in disbelief (or shook you head because you know me and didn’t actually find it all that surprising!). 

Contrary to what the title may have you believe, this post is not dedicated to me describing all of the wonderful qualities of Peeta Mellark, although I very well could make such a post…or maybe I could just create an entire blog…

By the way, if you do not know who Peeta Mellark is, stop reading this post immediately and go pick up a copy of The Hunger Games.

Anyway, if you know me, chances are, you know that I have a slight obsession with The Hunger Games along with a slight obsession with Peeta. 

This is how I felt after finishing The Hunger Games series…

 

     Well, the other day, I got to thinking about why I love Peeta so much.  Is it his charismatic nature?  His artistic flare and baking skills?  Those sparkling blue eyes?  His strength?  His kindness?  How his favorite color is sunset orange?  As great as all of those things are, they are not the main reason I am so drawn to his character.  What I admire most about him is how he genuinely and whole-heartedly loves Katniss.  Despite all of her flaws, all of the hardships, all of the pain, he loves her.  No matter the circumstances of their life and no matter how she treated him, he always, 100% loved her and supported her.  He saw her at her best, and he saw her at her worst, but he loved her just the same.  His love for her was just so pure, whole, and unbreakable.     

 

     That, my friends, is what makes Peeta so…Mellarkable in my eyes (see what I did there…like remarkable?  Haha!) And that is what I truly hope to find one day.  A guy who will really, truly love me, despite all of my imperfections and annoying habits, despite all of my issues and outbursts of crazy.  A love so strong that I never have to worry that he may tire of me, worry that he will someday no longer want me, a love I can really trust.    

     That is the standard Peeta Mellark has set for me.  So, when I say that I am holding out for a Peeta, I don’t necessarily mean a blonde-haired blue-eyes baker who double knots his shoe laces and likes to sleep with the window open (although I wouldn’t turn down one of those if anyone happened to find one…).  To me, waiting for Peeta means waiting for a man who will just love me for me…and hopefully that is possible!

But, until I meet him…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Six Months Ago...

     Six months ago today, my world was turned upside down.  Six months ago today, I was waiting in eager anticipation to find out whether I was going to have a niece or nephew.  Six months ago today, I had a few hours  to imagine all of the lovely frills, bows, and toys I would be bringing home in bulging shopping bags.  Six months ago today, I found out that none of that was going to happen, because my niece would not survive long after her birth. 

     I can safely say that these have been the most difficult six months of my life.  I have cried a countless number of tears and felt such immense pain in my heart to the point where it seemed as if it would smother me.  I have felt angry, alone, and surrounded by darkness.  There were times where any amount of joy or happiness seemed utterly impossible, times when I wanted to shut out everyone and everything, times when I thought maybe Job’s wife had the right idea after all…

     Honestly, these are all still things I struggle with from time to time.  It feels as if a part of me has changed…and not so much for the better.  I have developed somewhat of an underlying bitterness in my approach to daily life.  This is not to say that I never smile and have fun, because I do, but if you were to show me a glass and ask is the glass half empty or half full, my response would be to push the glass off the table. 

     Some days are better than others.  My good days are really really good, but my mellow days are bad…and my bad days are absolutely horrendous. 

     I’m still working on rebuilding my…shall we say…tattered relationship with God.  There are some things that I do not understand, never will understand, and I guess I am just going to have to live with that.

 

Christmas 2012

I absolutely adore Christmas time.  I adore it so much, in fact, that my Christmas season begins on November 1^st every year.  I love the music, the baking, buying presents, watching Christmas movies, and just the overall feel of the Christmasified world.

This year, I have had difficulty getting in the Christmas spirit.  I will admit, there are only four days until Christmas and I am not quite there yet.  Sure, I have instances of Christmas bliss, but something always happens to pull me back to my reality. 

My reality is that there are presents for a little girl missing from underneath the tree.  My house is minus one tiny stocking.  My loved ones are suffering from aching hearts that only time may heal.  My reality is that every time I hear a song mentioning the Christ-child being cradled in loving arms, I am reminded of the sweet little niece I held closely for a few precious moments.

She is never far from my thoughts, and it is remarkable what little things can remind me of her.

Remembering her is not the hard part; on the contrary, I remember her sweet little face fondly and find myself smiling whenever I see her pictures.  I welcome the reminders because they make me feel closer to her.  No, the hardest part for me is seeing those I love hurting.  The fact that they are hurting makes the ache already existing in my heart so much worse.  There seems to be a slight haze hovering over each burst of sunlight.

I know Evie is happy and safe, happier and safer than she would have ever been down here with us, but it does not make me miss her any less.

I find myself wondering what exactly Christmas is like in heaven.  Do they celebrate Christmas up there?  Is there a huge birthday cake for Jesus or something?  I can’t even begin to imagine how awesome the Christmas lights and decorations must be up there.  And how cool must it be to hear the Christmas Story from Jesus himself!

And now, to bring this post to a close…

"Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it. I'm sure that
we shall never forget Tiny Tim, or this first parting that there was among us ..."

-Kermit The Frog as Bob Cratchit

We will never forget you Evie Caris, and we look forward to someday spending our Christmases with you in heaven!

 

 

The Ladybug

     I spent much of the day yesterday thinking about and missing Evie.  Not that I don’t think about and miss her everyday, but yesterday it was especially so.  I am not sure of the reason, it was just one of those days I suppose.  I found myself frequently grasping my necklace, the one with her name engraved in it, the way I do whenever I want to feel close to her.  During the evening, I sat looking at pictures through tear-filled eyes as I reminisced about the time I spent with her.  How adorable she was with her chubby cheeks, her little noises, cradling her little body in my arms, and how it felt as I kissed her little face for the last time. 

     It was around 11:30 and I was sitting at my desk doing homework and being productive.  I had turned slightly in my swivel chair for whatever reason when I saw it.  There, sitting on my window curtain, was a little ladybug.  Now, to fully understand the significance of this, you have to know that ladybugs have been Evie’s little mascot from the moment we found out who she was.  Her memorial service had a ladybug theme and she had a special little ladybug blanket.  So, back to the ladybug…

My heart did a little leap in my chest as I was immediately reminded of my dear little niece.  I crept closer to the little ladybug wondering how on earth it would have gotten in my room and why, during this cool time of year when all other bugs are in hiding, was this tiny bug moving about.  I grabbed a small piece of paper and guided the ladybug to crawl onto it.  I stood there for a few moments in the middle of my room just holding the paper with the ladybug.  She did not move or try to fly away.  My mind began to race as I thought about how I could keep this ladybug as a pet.  I could put her in a little jar, feed her, and keep her in my room.  She could stay safe and close to me and be a symbol of sweet Evie.  Then reality came in.  I do not know the first thing about taking care of ladybugs.  Any feeble attempts of mine to keep her would likely result in an expedited death.  I realized that the best chance of her survival would be to put her back outdoors.  That was where she belonged.  That was where she could live.  Carefully, I brought the ladybug downstairs and carried her outside.  Kneeling gently, I placed the piece of paper with her on it inside one of my mom’s plants.  I sat for a moment watching the little bug before going back inside.  When I woke up this morning, I went back to the plant, a part of my hoping that the ladybug had stayed there…but she was gone.    

I realized that God was using the ladybug to tell me something.  As much as I wanted to keep Evie and have her stay here on earth close to me, where she belongs is heaven.  That is where she can thrive and be happy.  And, even though we cannot see her, she is having a fantastic life in heaven. 

I will still keep my eye out for ladybugs as a reminder of my little ladybug who is now flying around with the angels in heaven. 

        

This is for you Evie...

This is for you Evie...

 

You’ll never be hurt and never feel pain.

You’ll never have to worry, no loss, only gain.

You’ll never be sad, never have to cry.

You’ll never be angry and have to ask why.

You’ll never feel lonely, never be lost.

You’ll never regret bridges you’ve crossed.

You’ll never have to wallow in seas of insecurity.

You’re beauty won’t fade, filled with radiance and purity.

You will always be happy with a smile on your face.

You will always be safe, entwined in arms of grace.